End of a Year - 2025 Retrospective

This year was a doozie, and asked a lot of me. It's Christmas Eve today, and I finally get to have some time off (5-day weekend!) and so have been playing with my dusty cyberdeck. I've been trying to be more creatively-oriented the past two weeks, to middling success, out of a sense that I've become so pragmatic and crisis-aware. But let's do a quick review.

The Good

This year I continue to grow in love of my wife in our first full year of marriage. We enjoyed our Cancun honeymoon in February, and in October I got her a custom necklace for our anniversary and we continued our tradition of going for a hibachi meal. She's been working on being creative around the house, hanging pictures up, painting things, and making seasonal homemade decorations for Halloween and Christmas. I remain busy at work, and essentially manage/facilitate eight contractors on the project. I've learned a decent amount about managing people (starting from roughly zero professinal experience in that domain) and only one person has quit so far. I continue to grow in Christ, and that has manifested in many ways throughout my thinking, being, and doing. I haven't had an anxiety attack since March, given up drinking alcohol since February 12th, gotten a spiritual director, and continued to be active and relied on at the Church of the Good Shepherd.

The Bad

Work has been a 12-month sprint of hard effort, with the work of two newly-awarded government contracts coming back-to-back with extensive demands and time-pressure. I think I've handled it well, but I don't think I can sustain this level of work stress for a whole other year, and pray for a respite: it's made me curt and exhausted more than I'd like, and that has had an impact on how 'there' I have been able to be for my friends and family. Throughout that, my dad's Dad, Grandpa Miller, died at the beginning of the year - Kylie and I flew out to his funeral in Oregon. I'll miss him, and am glad I saw him a few years ago. Grandma gave me most of his coats, belts, and ties: I think of him often when I wear them, at church and on walks. It's weird that only III and IV remain. Finally, and honestly most difficultly, my Mom unexpectedly died from a cardiac arrest while camping in Idaho. Since that day in August, my days became filled with being the executor of her estate, meager though it was, and arranging her funeral. Kylie and I drove out to Idaho for her funeral in October, and it was good to see both sides of the family this year: a shame it was for two funerals. I've gotten out of the sharpest of the grief, but it's still there behind the business of my daily life. I trust that they are both with God, but it sits heavy on my heart that, god willing, there are so many decades left before I see them again. I dare not ask the older people in my life if the pain ever goes away, fearing the answer.

The Messy

My diaconal discernment process came to a stopping point this year, after the Commission on Ministry felt that the time wasn't yet ripe for me to seek ordination in the Episcopal Church in April. I was crestfallen at the news, received over the phone, but grew in comfort with the decision over the year. In hindsight, the pause seems to have been well-timed - the year has been such a difficult one, and it's allowed me to focus on actual ministry in the church. Without the shadow of 'leaving' to be a diocesan in the near future, I've been able to invest more in my congregation: I more formally facilitate the bible study, visit the sick, joined the Brotherhood of St. Andrew, and even am becoming a member of the Vestry in 2026. I was very sad to see good Bible-trusting men drift away from the congregation this year, and wonder if there was anything I could've done. Thankfully, new faces have been arriving, so it's not all sad news. It's been tricky navigating my sobriety with Kylie's drinking pattern, and I hope I get more used to it over the years: I have difficulty not being a cold fish when I'm sober around tipsy people, and I'd like to have a bit more joy in my heart. This year I've given myself permission to experience my glumness to a healthy extent, but I'm hoping the weight of the world is a bit less next year.

The Future

I'm wary of 2026, but am also optimistic: given the pace of victories and tragedies the past few years, I cautiously venture that it'd be hard to have another sustained year of life-shaking events in a row. I'd like this new year to bring an Ed that can focus on Being more than Doing, contemplating his walk in love with God, his wife, his family, his friends, his work, his community. I pray for your calm now, and wish you a Merry Christmas.